Home Alone ( With you ;-)

Dear Gabdu,

Mamma has quit her job end of Feb to spend some time with you. This happened after quite a bit of soul searching.
Now, let me tell you this before you jump to any conclusion, I am a confused person, and am not very clear on whether
I want to be a SAHM or a mother who also works outside home. I guess I want to be everything but then the hours and capability is limited
However, the thought process that went behind this decision ( which might itself change depending on how things go..)
a) I feel I have a good 30+ years ahead of me to work, so I feel in this long stretch, 3-4 year break shud not hurt "career" or whatever I think of it.I feel I do not want to get old and then feel that all I've missed out on small moments of your growing up. I do not want to live these moments later say with my grankids because we really dunno what lies ahead
b) I feel that as a parent its my duty to take care of you and its the grandparents privilege to enjoy playing with you without becoming encumbered with the responsibility of taking care of you full time. They've brought up their respective kids and now its our turn. The least we can give back to them is to take care of our kids. That being said, I am blessed with in laws and parents who are ready to support me even if I feel I cannot manage at home and need to get back to work
c) Also somewhere deep down I feel I am anyways not giving my fullest attention to either career or family while working - so anyways I am slowing down my career, so why not take a break and concentrate on one thing at a time
d) I needed a break to think abt how we going to work out things going fwd. I mean it cannot go on like this right, both mamma and papa working outside home, grandparents and say maids to help at home. So need to I guess sit back and think of how to strike a balance such that I can spend enough time with you and also do something constructive and have something of a so called "career"

Now that I've spent abt 2 weeks after Nannu Nani left for Noida all alone during the day with you at home, I really admire SAHMs for their patience. At least at work you get to eat your lunch peacefully ;-) and take breaks. Here there is no concept of a "break". Your sleep is so pathetic that I cannot even think of a nap, and moreover I have other things to finish off when you are asleep. If I try to read the paper, you tell me "Mamma paper Mat padho" and if I don't comply I could soon have pieces of the paper to put together to read in addition to having to calm a screaming baby.
Also, it is extremely difficult to keep you occupied and engaged with stuff when at home. We go down thrice a day to play so that leaves abt 6 hrs or so of play time at home and its really difficult to keep thinking of new stuff. You need new stuff and so does Mamma because though you could at times be engaged in repeat reads and plays ( for 1000 times also!), its sometimes plain boring for Mamma
Mamma plans to start doing crafts with you...Also the luxury of talking to friends is gone...even on the phone ! You want to hold the phone and talk to whoever is on the other end and its embarassing to tell friends who often call long distance to talk to you for sometime and then hardly talk myself and hang up saying I'll call later .

One of my friends asked me the other day - so hows Gabdu feeling now with you at home. Frankly speaking I don't think it makes too much of a diff to you. You pbbly were happier with Thatha/Patti, Nannu/Nani as you got to see many more people around !But yes it does make a diff to me. I feel satisfied that I am able to spend good time with you, see your antics and activities and also not be "dependent" on anyone else to take care of you

Despite all that I've said above, I can say that I am in two minds ... may be its easier to have someone help and take care of you. May be its better for everybody- you me and everybody else. Not sure ...Also I am considering getting a maid for say 8-10 hrs so that you have someone else to play with too.Why I am procrastinating on that I am unsure... pbbly unfounded fears of getting dependant on a maid, not giving you enuff time because there would be someone else to take care of you and general distrust abt the way maids handle kids
But I am seriously considering 4 hrs a day work from home option and if that needs to work, I will need some help. I dunno if I am just being a control freak by not letting cooks and maids for you in the house yet

So the upshot is - I am unclear, confused as always abt plan ahead but as of now I am happy I am with you and not regretting being at home despite having sudden panic attacks during the day abt " what am I going to do?"

Will write you a less muddled letter some other time but for now this is what I am feeling...

And actually this is when the "break" feeling is not fully there ... its just like a vacation as of now


Luv
Mamma